Oh My God! This just in!
At breakfast this morning, I ran into a former journalist friend who is still active politically. He told me something truly shocking.
I am, frankly, almost loath to share this item because it lowers the presidency to even greater depth, but I can’t resist. I never claimed to be Carl Bernstein. Here goes.
It appears that Trump is earning a new status as possibly the most flatulent prez since the 350-pound William Taft. This explains why, in most photos, cabinet members appear to stand a far as possible from him while still remaining visible. It also goes a long way to clearing up the mystery of why Melania and Don do not share rooms, much a less a bed. Somehow, I am not surprised. I suspect this is not fake news and present it here because it is important to know all we can about the leader of our great nation.
My journalist friend added a caveat: “I hear that’s what people in the White House are saying.”
And now back to our normal coverage.
Sometime between sleep and wakefulness in the early morning hours, I thought I heard the rumblings of a mob forming in the streets. I smiled. Finally! Power to the people and all that. I woke up to the same-old same-old and realized the mob I’d imagined gathering was actually the drunks at closing time. They’re noisy, staggering, and fond of setting off car alarms.
Then I read about the new threat to the US—Montenegro. According to Trump, the Montenegrin are an aggressive lot, poised to launch World War III by invading Russia if provoked. This would be problematic as Montenegro is the newest member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). As such, according to Trump, the United States and other members of NATO would be forced to take up arms and defend the tiny principality.
To be fair, this ridiculous mouse-that-roared scenario was not originally broached by Trump himself—I doubt Trump has the faintest notion of where Montenegro is. No, the notion was posited by Tucker Carlson, a Fox News host whose concept of European geography is possibly as challenged as that of POTUS. It was, I suppose, meant as a joke, but Trump’s joyful response, referring to the Montenegrin, was, “They’re very strong people; they’re very aggressive people. They may get aggressive. And congratulations, you’re in World War III.” That’s disturbing. It implies an abysmal lack of knowledge of NATO’s guiding principles, and a willingness to embrace the stupidest illustration to prove a point.
Montenegro is not to be confused with other mini-nations like its neighbor, Kosovo, or the equally tiny Lichtenstein. There are approximately 622,000 Montenegrin, and I doubt all that many harbor violent thoughts. Mostly, they entertain tourists, fish, and cultivate crops that are consumed locally. There’s a growing service industry, but the country is just now beginning to recover from the political instability of its neighbors.
The issue, of course, isn’t Montenegro, but the ongoing and aggressive ignorance of the US President, who appears willing to accept any absurdity as fact, and then further broadcast it. Hence, according to Trump, we deal with honest leaders in North Korea and Russia, foolish ones in England and Germany, and we must rely on his self-declared status as a very stable genius to make sure our country is protected from unfair trade, the military weakness of other nations, and, of course, the lying media.
Personally, that sulky pout of his, ready at any moment to break out into petulant rage; those cheeseburger-fed jowls; the little piggy eyes that show shrewdness but no intellectual intelligence whatsoever—all these displays of infantile behavior are enough to make me heave my breakfast bagel.
There is no relief in sight. This truly frightens me. Or perhaps the mobs are covertly forming in the countryside and will take to the streets soon.
One can only hope.