Anger & Sadness

This morning on my way to coffee at the breakfast place, a bone-thin man blocked my path. He was café-au-lait colored and bulky from too many sweaters worn on a not cool day. He was pulling a small shopping cart usually associated with older ladies. Inside the cart was a black plastic trash bag trussed with bungee cords like a Mafia victim. He was muttering to himself. I sidestepped and smiled. He stood his ground and glared. I passed him and he bared amazingly white teeth and muttered, Motherfucker. I wasn’t ready for that and I stopped, turned around, and reconsidered. He slammed into a Dunkin Donut and parked his cart against a wall. I walked on.
Anger is endemic. I suspect I’m as angry in a lot of ways as the café-au-lait man, but my filter may work a little better than his, and he and I probably don’t have the same issues.
I believe anger turned inward is depression, and I do not know which of the two is the less tolerable. I know some angry people, young ones who having barely reached their late twenties already feel life has cheated them. They are angry becuntitledause they’re not married yet, or are, unhappily so; they do not have the job they think they deserve, or feel they have no friends, or that the friends they do have all have private agendas.
Personally, I am angry at the cancer shortening my life. I am angry because too many friends have gone, some physically, others emotionally, others still into a dark and private world where I am barred from entry. I am angry because I cannot find a job even though I have sent out hundreds of résumés to companies who needed my skills (my favorite was a small NGO looking for someone published, who could write in both French and English, and was willing to travel to West Africa. Yes, yes, and yes. Been there, done that. I am qualified, thank you. They never returned my call.)
I am angry at people, places and things. I get despondent when people promise they will do something, and then don’t. I get angry when they claim never to have really promised. I get angry when people say “always” but privately imbue that word with a temporary meaning, rather than a permanent one. I get sad when I see the talented and hardworking misuse gifts bestowed upon them, and sometimes that sadness begets anger.
I read the paper every day, and on a daily basis, as I’m doing so, I can’t avoid uttering, “Asshole.” Angrily.
Most of the time, this unappetizing word is aimed at our lying, inept, deceitful, self-aggrandizing, and whining President. Occasionally, the exclamation follows the grumblings of another ill-advised and unqualified miscreant temporarily in power—a Cabinet head, say, (Education, HUD and Interior immediately come to mind), or a smug attorney representing a famous reprobate worthy of our contempt. I say it aloud, “Asshole!” with, at times, multiple exclamation points. On two occasions a person occupying the table next to mine has looked up and asked, “Excuse me?”
Liars anger me. I think lying is one of the more destructive shortcomings inherent to humans. Lying builds expectations, gives birth to resentments, destroys lives, ruins respect, and kills love.
We live in an era where lying is the norm, and the excesses of the people in power appear to have become worthwhile examples for people not in power.
I am, incidentally, as guilty as the next person. In my time, I’ve lied, built expectations in others and not cared about the impact of my lies. I’ve tried to change in the past years. Over the last few months, the anger is often replaced by sadness, and I don’t know if that’s good or not. Anger sometimes motivates, sadness rarely does.
We are living in ill-mannered times, and we are moving backwards. This wonderful land is becoming the butt of jokes, and the cowards at the top appear to believe this is okay, as long as they stay in power and enrich themselves. Liars all, great and small.
That makes me both sad and angry.

About epiphanettes

Writer, songcrafter, possibly the best French pedal steel guitarist in Virginia.
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One Response to Anger & Sadness

  1. melanie1611 says:

    Powerful piece, Thierry. Sadly so.

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