There is, once again, Something Wrong. What had been wrong for several months, an anomaly in the blood cells, seems to have cleared up, and for this I am grateful. This Something is relatively new and I am not pleased that after a series of tests, including one today, my physician tells me additional tests are necessary, some of which are known to be fairly invasive. Not that I’m unfamiliar with this stuff—I’ve had tubes and scalpels and cameras thrust up my urethra almost two dozen times over the last five years, and I can say with a degree of certainty that this is not something one (or at least me) gets used to. In fact, never has the word ‘invasive’ been better applied. The exams I’ve undergone are demeaning, embarrassing, humbling, and sometimes painful.
The new exams my physician wants to order will be even more so. I have not yet given my assent. This is foolish, I know. Today, at least, I don’t care. I need to make a show of misplaced pride.
This being said, I am trying to be grateful, because I’m lucky to have excellent insurance. I estimate that over the past five years, my medical bills have exceeded the half-million mark. Neither testing nor surgery comes cheap, and the half mil would have doubled or tripled had I needed any sort of extended hospital stay. I did not. My copays are minuscule in relation to the expenses my care has incurred so far.
Gratitude, however, is ever harder to come by. I’m also finding it increasingly difficult to deal with this stuff, not because I’m frightened or squeamish, but because I’m getting bored with it, and my attitude of acceptance without resignation is eroding by the day. I bitch and I moan and I whine. I am tired of complaining to my friends; I believe my friends are tired of hearing me complain, and they are justified. I fear I am becoming less and less like my strong and silent father and more like my mother, a noted hypochondriac who found strength in letting others know she was weakening.
On the positive side, I am putting my thoughts down, and this is progress. My last blog was about my recent inability to sit down and write. Now I’m writing.