This morning, I sent the following letter to President Trump.
Dear Mister President:
I understand you have decided not to host the G-7 meetings at the Miami conference center you own and that is losing money at a staggering rate. You are now considering having the sessions at Camp David, but according to your own White House advisors, everyone hates Camp David.
I have a solution. I am willing to sublet my place of dwelling to you for a modest daily fee so the G-7 meetings can be held here.
My apartment is located in Virginia, minutes from the Metro and on major bus lines. Uber and Lyft are a phone call away, and racks housing rental bicycles and electric scooters are mere yards from my front door. The area has a number of restaurants ranging from the inexpensive to the stupidly costly, which would allow G-7 participants to eat cheaply but bill their respective countries for very posh meals. There is a Target store nearby, and parking is available for the limos.
My building has two elevators, except on weekends when one is always in use by people moving in. Though at first glance, this may seem to be an inconvenience, it will actually allow you and other leaders to carefully consider your thoughts while waiting for the elevator, and possibly save you, Mister President, from saying outrageously stupid things that you will need to deny later, even though your words were recorded by members of the fake media. This is turn might lead some people to agree that the fake media is indeed conducting the greatest witch hunt in American history. Plus, you might be able to blame former President Obama and Hillary Clinton for a Teleprompter malfunction.
Did I mention I am mere miles from Dulles International Airport? That’s a big plus as well.
My building has a concierge who is there from time to time. It has two party rooms, a bowling alley, a ping pong table as well as a foosball table, so the G-7 people can entertain themselves between meetings. There is also a gym with treadmills, Exercycles, and a rowing machine that work relatively often. Management of my building recently—and very thoughtfully—installed a punching bag in the gym. This can be reserved for half-an-hour at a time, though G-7 visitors will have to wait their turns as the punching bag is in high demand among my building’s tenants.
The only drawback may be sleeping accommodations. My apartment is a one-bedroom, with one queen-size bed. There is also a couch that can accommodate one or two short people. In addition, I can provide yoga mats.
As mentioned before, there are party rooms and these could easily be re-configured as sleeping quarters, if the guests sleep in shifts.
The G-7 members, we all know, meet in the spirit of world unity and international betterment. Their attendance at the meetings held in my building can be seen as an Outward Bound adventure, except that it will be indoors.
By coming here, the G-7 will save American taxpayers millions of dollars, which we know is of paramount importance to you. With minimal efforts, these savings may be used to fund your golf outings. So as you can see, it’s win-win.
And let’s not forget that within walking distance we have a McDonalds, Arbie’s, Taco Bell, KFC, and Burger King? Also a Home Depot.
Please let me know your thoughts.